


Moments to Forget

by BardofHeartDive



Series: Whiskey Eyes and a Blue Soul [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: BAaT, Gen, Headcanon, Mass Effect 3 spoilers, Mass Effect Spoilers, Pre-Mass Effect 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:32:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4724354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/pseuds/BardofHeartDive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There are moments in my life I wish I could forget. The first life I saw taken. First life I had to take. And now this."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first life I saw taken

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bagog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bagog/gifts).



> For bagog, who writes things that make me want to write.
> 
> I've been having some difficulty writing Kaidan in the Suicide Mission installment of my Without You series (which is particularly troublesome since he plays an integral role) so I decided to try something like this. Any feedback about his voice and staying in his character would be appreciated.

It wasn’t Vyrnnus but it was at BAaT.

One of our training exercises was . . . well, I’m sure it had a more technical name but we called it a pressure box. It was a glass tank, a little more than two meters square, with mass effect generators on the walls, floor, and ceiling. We’d have to use barriers to keep from getting thrown around or crushed by the force.

Yeah. It was a tough one.

The kid’s name was Nikolai Hudson. Huge guy, bigger than Vega. He barely even fit in the box. His preliminary tests showed incredible biotic aptitude but it never manifested after they put in his amp. Everyone knows the L2s aren’t as stable as the later models. The medical and psychological complications get the limelight but there were more mundane issues as well. Their neural integration system was less reliable so the results . . .

Right, sorry, um. Nikolai.

Vyrnnus pushed him. Hard. Even harder that the rest of us. He thought the problem was all in Nicky’s head. That he would break through if he was “motivated” enough. It was his second time in the box. They had to treat him for the bends after the first time.

He did okay at first. They always started with weak, unidirectional fields, a warm up essentially, and he handled that fine. When they got to three walls, though, he said his head was hurting. Then instead of firing up the fourth, they used the floor. He hit ceiling and then the last wall before they got everything shut off. Dislocated his shoulder. Most of the trainers would have excused one of us after something like that happened but this was Nikolai and Vyrnnus was there. He said he got what he deserved for being weak and maybe it would take something like that for him to stop being so pathetic. He started the box up again with all six going.

Nicky started complaining about his head right away. Vyrnnus ignored him, kept turning the box up. He was screaming inside two minutes. I saw a trickle of blood run down his neck, from his amp, and then it . . . exploded.

There was blood everywhere. It was coming out of his nose, his ears, his eyes. Like I said, the tank was glass so we could see. Until the walls were coated, then it was just drips and smears. They called in medics and tried to get him back but there’s not much you can do when a person loses three liters of blood in twenty seconds.

And Vyrnnus. He just . . . he just watched. He didn’t even seem interested, really. Like when you’re waiting for a vid to come on but you have to watch the end credits of whatever was playing before hand. After they cleared Nickolai’s body all he did was tell the other trainers we were starting again in half an hour, whether the mess was cleaned up or not.


	2. First life I had to take

This wasn’t Vyrnnus either.

No, really.

I mean, he was the first person I killed but, with him . . .

Things could have been different. If any of the other instructors had intervened or they’d gotten him to a medbay quicker. If he hadn’t broken Rahna’s arm. If we’d gotten our water ration that day. He didn’t - he didn’t have to die.

I’ve been down that road and back again, Shepard. More times than I can count. Like I said, fully functioning human here.

So, yeah. Vyrnnus was the first life I took but he wasn’t the first life I had to take.

A mercenary, random gun for hire. His group had hit a science outpost in the middle of nowhere. I was with the team that responded. We cleared the base, then Kipling, the senior engineer, and I were ordered to get the equipment running again. I went back to the shuttle - we needed a converter kit - and when I get back this merc has a gun to Kip’s head.

It was the closest thing I’d had to an out of body experience at that point. I could see every scratch on his armor and the stubble on his jaw. His eyes were green. This, uh, mossy green and he had a mole under his nose on the right side.

I remember thinking how strange time was. Because I was able to take everything in, run through every possible scenario, and realize that I wouldn’t be able to talk him down. If I didn’t kill him, he was going to kill Kip. And somehow, I had the time to do all of that and pull the trigger before he even blinked. Like I was moving faster than everything around me.

They all caught up afterward, though. I swear, I watched those bullets leave my gun, cross the room and hit him in the chest. I saw the moment after he knew he’d been shot but before he registered the pain and the expression on his face was surprise. And then Kipling came over to check me out and he was moving faster than the bullets, talking so fast into his comm I couldn’t make out what he was saying.

Time is strange.

Exactly.

Really, what I want to forget is that sometimes killing someone is the only option. Sometimes someone is going to die and your only choice is to determine who.

Kip or the mercenary.

Tevos or Udina.

Shepard, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to -

Yeah, she was. And she did. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be easier to forget.


	3. And now this

Thessia.

That is the question isn’t it?

It’s a few things I guess.

Part of it was the situation itself.

Earth was an evacuation. It was about getting out, regrouping, and living to fight another day. There were no grand plans for saving the galaxy, it was purely about survival. At Thessia, there was so much more to think about. There was a mission, an objective, and everything had to be framed around it. How many wounded did we run by on Thessia, leaving them where they lay because we needed to?

I know we needed to. But on Earth, we didn’t.

And Thessia . . . Thessia seemed hopeless. Commandos aren’t trained for that kind of combat and the culture values cooperation, compromise . . .

You know where I was when the Reapers hit. During the actual invasion, I mean. I was at that deli on base trying to get something besides an MRE for lunch before my orders came in. There was some panic, of course. There were civilians and noncoms who hadn't held a gun since basic. Vega and I were unarmed.

Yeah, yeah, as “unarmed” as the lieutenant can be.

And a biotic.

But I don’t want to talk about Vega or me. We’re not the point.

The cashier came out with a fire extinguisher. She was trying to put the fires out before we really knew what was going on. The spray does about nothing to a cannibal so she turned it around and hit it with the canister. If a kid can beat a cannibal to death with a fire extinguisher then Earth is anything but hopeless.

Part of it was you.

When Anderson said he was with you, the first thing I thought was if we don’t get out of here alive the last thing I’ll have said to you was that I was glad I ran into you. It wasn’t enough. All the time you were in lock up . . . I went to see you so many times but all I ever did was stand outside your door trying to figure out what to say. I should have said something. It was the only thing I could think the whole way to the Normandy.

I’d argue that’s why I handled Mars so badly.

Yeah, well, you know me.

Me too.

But mostly, I don’t want to forget Earth. Because any time that I want to give up, to say “enough” and walk away, I remember Earth.

And I find it in me to give a little more.


End file.
